Sign In Sign-Up

Welcome!

Close

Would you like to make this site your homepage? It's fast and easy...

Yes, Please make this my home page!

No Thanks

  Don't show this to me again.

Close

Samantha Wildman replaced the wall panel in the Doctor's office.

"That should take care of your power fluctuations, Doctor," she said, packing up her engineering kit.

He nodded his thanks to her. Suddenly, the comm system came to life. It was the captain.

"Doctor, prepare to receive a casualty," her comm voice said.

"Acknowledged."

Moments later, someone materialized on the bio-bed. Samantha abandoned her kit, and ran over to the bed to assist The Doctor. What she saw when she looked down at the newly arrived patient shocked her.

"Joe?" she said.

It was Joe Carey.

The Doctor grabbed a nearby tricorder and scanned him. Samantha just stood there helplessly. The tricorder wailed a high pitched screech. Samantha panicked for she knew what that meant.

"There's no neural activity," The Doctor said sadly.

"No! We have to save him! His wife...his children!" Samantha begged, on the verge of tears.

The Doctor held her back. "It's too late, Ensign...I'm sorry."

Samantha looked down at Joe, and realized that the Doctor was sadly right. It was too late. He was gone. Breaking free of the Doctor's hold, she went to Carey. In shock, she was afraid to touch him at first. She just couldn't believe he was...dead.

"Sickbay to bridge," the Doctor called over the comm. "Lieutenant Carey is dead."

Samantha's heart ached at the sound of those words. Her dear friend Joe Carey was gone.

"Joe!" she gasped, stroking his hair. "No! God, no!"

Samantha looked at his face. His eyes were open, and his mouth slightly ajar. There was no life in him at all. He was gone. Joe Carey, her dear friend and confidante was lost, and never to return. Samantha's throat constricted with grief, and she choked on the lump that hung defiantly in her throat. Tears welled in her eyes, and finally spilled down her cheeks like cascading waterfalls. Burying her face in his chest, she allowed her tears to come freely.

For several minutes she stood there crying over him. Just then, she felt the Doctor's hands on her arms.

"Samantha, I'm sorry," he apologized.

Samantha looked into Joe's face for the last time. "I'm sorry too," she said to Carey as she closed his eyes gently.

Ensign Wildman, grief stricken, couldn't bear to be there anymore, and fled. She ended up in an abandoned cargo bay. Her mind was racing with a million different thoughts. They were all so jumbled, she didn't know where one thought ended and another began. Samantha slumped behind some stacked storage crates. Still sobbing, she tried to clear her mind. It took her several minutes to regain her composure. Finally, she was able to muster up enough strength to stand again. She wiped the tears from her face, and tried to breathe again.

"Computer, locate Naomi Wildman," she requested.

"Naomi Wildman is in Astrometrics," the voice responded.

Samantha left the cargo bay, and headed towards Astrometrics.

****

Naomi and Seven looked up to see Samantha enter.

"Hi, Mom! Is Uncle Joe back yet? I want to go fishing again!"

Samantha tried not to let her sadness show. She looked at Seven.

"Seven, can I have a moment alone with Naomi, please?"

Seven nodded, and left. Naomi looked at her mother quizzically.

"Mom, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Naomi, come sit down. I need to talk to you," Samantha said, fighting back tears.

Naomi came over by her mother, and they both sat down. She could obviously see that something was terribly wrong by just the way her mother was acting.

"Mom, what is it?" Naomi asked.

"Uncle Joe was hurt very badly on the away mission, sweetheart," Samantha explained to her daughter.

Naomi listended intently. "Is he going to be okay, Mom?" she asked. "Can the Doctor fix him?"

Ensign Wildman shook her head. "Joe died, honey."

Naomi looked down. Immediately she felt a moisture creep down her cheeks, and wiped it away. When she looked back up at her mother, Naomi saw that she too was crying. She slowly extended her arms outward towards her mother, beckoning for an embrace. Samantha instantly drew her child up into her arms, and held her tightly. They held each other for many long minutes, both crying, and both hurting. Finally, Naomi looked up into her mother's tear stained face.

"Why did he die?" she asked through her sobs.

"A very bad man killed him," Samantha explained.

"Why?" Naomi sobbed.

"I don't know, honey."

There was a brief silence before Naomi spoke again.

"I want to go home now, Mom," she said quietly.

Samantha nodded, picked her daughter up, and carried her all the way back to their quarters. The weight of her heart breaking was more than the weight of the child in her arms. It was a sad, sad day for the both of them, and for everyone on Voyager. Joe Carey had always been a well loved man, and a friend to everyone aboard. His death was just senseless. Plain senseless.

Upon returning to their quarters, Naomi fled to her room, and locked the door. Samantha, in the midst of coping with her own grief, slumped on the living room couch, and buried her face in her hands. They both cried for a long while until Naomi slowly emerged from her room. She saw her mother still sitting on the couch, a look of anguish on her face as she was reading a padd. Samantha put it down when she saw Naomi draw nearer. The child sat down next to her, and leaned up against her arm.

"I know you cared about Uncle Joe a lot, Mommy," she said.

Samantha nodded. "Yes, I did."

Neelix stopped by awhile later, but had little luck in boosting any morale today. The shock of losing Lieutenant Carey, a man everyone aboard had always respected, was profound to say the least. Everyone was dealing with it in their own way. Samantha had summarily chosen to isolate herself in her room. It was perhaps not the best coping mechanism, but she felt in no condition to be useful to anyone right now. Not in this condition.

****

Samantha lay sprawled on the couch, staring off into oblivion. In her hand was a bottle of 2365 Vodka. She took a huge gulp. As the liquid poured down her throat, it soothed her. She took another gulp, and another. Before long, the bottle was empty. Standing up, she wandered over to the replicator to get another.

On her way, she suddenly collided with a chair, and fell flat on her face. Clumsily getting to her feet, she staggered the rest of the way to the replicator and told it to produce another bottle of vodka. It did, and she downed it in under an hour.

Several hours later, Naomi tip toed into her mother's room, and found her laying sideways across her bed. Her head was slumped over the side, and her hair hung in her face. She was very still, and didn't move. Naomi at first feared she wasn't breathing, but then she heard a faint moan.

"Mom," Naomi said carefully, as she drew closer.

"Hmmmphh..." her mother moaned.

Naomi had never seen her mother like this before. She carefully reached out a hand, and touched her mother's head. Her hair was damp and limp, and she reeked of a strange scent.

"Mom, are you okay?" Naomi asked.

More moans and groans came from Samantha as she laid with her eyes closed. Naomi was beginning to get frightened. Why wasn't her mother waking up? What was wrong with her? She shook her mother forcefully.

"Mom, wake up!"

Samantha wouldn't budge.

"Naomi, go away. I'm sleeping!" her mother lamented.

However, Naomi persisted. "But you've been sleeping for nine hours!"

Finally, after more pleading and prodding, Samantha got out of bed and washed her face. Somewhat slightly more composed now, she wandered into the front room and replicated dinner for herself and Naomi, and Naomi sat down. Samantha went around to her chair, and sat, but missed the chair completely and crashed to the floor in a drunken stupor.

Naomi ran to her mother's side, and tried to help her back into the chair, but Samantha was out cold.

"Mommy, please talk to me!" Naomi pleaded.

When she couldn't wake her mother up, Naomi got very worried, and fled their quarters in tears.

A few minutes later, The Doctor and Captain Janeway were standing over Samantha, pulling her to her feet.

"Samantha...Ensign, talk to me!" the captain ordered, shaking her.

Wildman's head lolled helplessly forward, causing her hair to cover her entire face. Blindly she felt around for something to grab onto while mumbling incoherently. Just then, her hand found a hold. Unfortunately it was the captain's face.

The Doctor scanned the enebriated ensign. "She's drunk," was his assessment.

"Let's get her to sickbay," Janeway said.

The ensign's rubbery legs refused to support her weight, which forced the captain and The Doctor to literally have to carry her to sickbay. Twelve hours later when Samantha finally woke up, she had one hell of a headache.

"Oh, my head!" she moaned.

The Doctor came to her bedside.

"Welcome back, Ensign," he said.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"Sickbay," he said. "You had a mild case of alcohol poisoning, but you'll be alright now."

Samantha's head started to clear, and it was then that she made the horrible realization that she had gotten drunk in front of her own child. She looked up to see that the front of her blue gown was wet with sweat and vomit, and figured that she probably looked as bad as she felt right now. She was so ashamed of herself. How was she ever going to explain this to Naomi?

"Naomi?" she asked. "Where's Naomi?"

"She's with Neelix. She's fine," The Doctor said.

Samantha laid back down.

"Can I see her?"

Before The Doctor could answer, Captain Janeway entered sickbay, and came to Samantha's bedside. Wildman was instantly ashamed at not only having her captain see her this way, but in her awful deed itself...getting drunk in front of her own child.

"Ensign..."

"Captain, I am so sorry," she apologized. "I just don't know what got into me!"

"I know that these last few days have been hard for you. They've been hard for all of us, Samantha."

Samantha felt absolutely awful. She just didn't know what to say, but the forelorn look on her wan face told Captain Janeway everything that needed to be said. There was a drawn out silence that was as unsettling to Samantha as her queasy stomach was right now. She felt the bile creeping up her throat, but focused all of her willpower to suppress it. She was not going to throw up in front of the captain. Beads of sweat glistened against her pale face. Finally, Samantha could hold it in no longer, and vomited into the container beside the bed. Her shame was complete now. Her head collapsed back down onto the pillow. She wanted to cry.

"I'm giving you some time off duty," the captain said. "Use it to rest."

She weakly nodded, and the captain left the ensign alone with her misery. For the next hour, Samantha wallowed in it, repeatedly wishing to herself that she had been the one to die, not Carey. It just wasn't fair at all. His death was so senseless. Why was any of this happening? That night, Samantha was recovered enough to be sent home, but it was with The Doctor's strict instructions that if she touched a single drop of alcohol, she would be confined to sickbay indefinitely. Not wishing to repeat the experience, Samantha promised to comply.

Before returning to her own quarters however, Samantha went to Neelix's to see Naomi. Unfortunately, Naomi didn't want to see much of her.

"You scared me! I thought you were dead!" Naomi cried.

"I'm sorry..." Samantha apologized softly, sadly.

Naomi was mad, and Samantha knew she had every right to be.

"Getting drunk won't bring Uncle Joe back!" Naomi yelled at the top of her lungs, and buried her face into a pillow.

Her daughter's words hit her like a ton of bricks, and Samantha suddenly realized just what was going on. Here she was, drunk and disheveled...but still sad. More importantly, she was losing her daughter. When the sheer reality of it all finally hit her, it was more than she could bear, and she collapsed to her knees right there, sobbing incessantly.

Naomi, hearing sobs that weren't her own, peered out from her pillow only to see her mother crying now. Naomi was heartbroken to see her mother suffer so. She wanted to do something...anything to make the pain go away. For them both. For everyone. Naomi slowly moved towards her mother sobbing on the floor. Gently, she got to her knees and drew her mother into a comforting embrace.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mommy," she apologized.

Samantha took her only child into her arms gratefully. "I'm sorry too," she said.

They sat there for a long time, holding each other and crying, until Samantha sobered up.

****

The next morning, Samantha forced herself out of bed, and dragged herself to the bathroom. It was as she entered, that she caught a glimpse of her reflection. The woman who stared back at her barely looked alive. Here eyes were red, puffy, and bloodshot. Sweat and grease matted her long, blonde hair against her head. Her pale skin was blotched with tear stains and covered in sweat and drool. She looked absolutely awful, and was ashamed that she had allowed Naomi to see her this way.

Samantha peeled her robe from her sweaty skin, and stepped into the sonic shower. The moment it activated, she felt a sudden refreshing wave of envigorating strength wash over her entire body. It was quite euphoric. In her mind, she imagined the rays of energy perforating her skin right down to her heart, and cleansing the dark spot that Joe's death had left upon it. Samantha spent several minutes just standing there...eyes closed, and head back, letting the sonic rays course up and down her body. She almost felt herself being infused with new life, and could hear Joe in her mind talking to her.

Sam, you've got to start living again. Don't wallow in this grief.

Over and over she heard those words of his in her mind. He'd spoken them to her nearly seven years ago, just after they'd arrived in the Delta Quadrant. Samantha remembered that it had been particularly hard on her to know that she'd probably never see her husband or her family, and how she'd carried that misery with her for weeks before Joe had come into her life. Since then, he had become a dear friend to her, almost like a brother. He'd told her of his wife and sons, just as she'd shared about her husband and her family back home. Sam imagined hearing his voice in her head, and the sound of it bolstered her strength.

She finished showering, and pulled on her robe. Standing in front of her mirror, she looked at herself, and no longer saw a haggard, drunken creature. Samantha saw a beautiful young woman with a career and a child to tend to. She knew that it was time she start living again. If not for herself, then for Naomi. Naomi needed her to be the strong one right now. With firm resolve, Samantha willed herself to not break down today. Opening her closet, she pulled out a freshly pressed uniform and slipped it on. Looking over herself in the mirror again, she actually smiled to her surprise. She felt human again.

"I knew you were in there somewhere," she told her reflection.

She stepped out of her room, and looked in on Naomi. The child was still sleeping. Quietly Samantha went over to the replicator and programmed in her selections. A few minutes later, she had the table beautifully set for breakfast. A colorful floral arrangement decorated the table as a centerpiece, and two plates were piled with eggs, bacon, sausage, and hashbrowns. Samantha had even replicated blueberry pancakes with whipped cream on top. It was Naomi's favorite.

Soft feet padded from the other room. It was Naomi, still half asleep. Samantha smiled at her.

"Hi there, sleepyhead," she greeted her daughter with a smile.

It took a few seconds for Naomi's vision to clear, but when she saw the elaborately set breakfast table, she was simply astonished. She and her mother never had meals like this, except on very special occasions.

"Mom?" Naomi asked in puzzlement.

"I thought I'd make us a special breakfast today," Samantha replied.

Naomi sat down, and began eating. It was nice to have her mother back to normal. All during breakfast they reminisced about all of the times they'd spent with Joe. It was actually comforting to them both to be able to remember him this way. Samantha did her duties that day, and did them well. She imagined Joe standing right there beside her, giving her strength. That thought comforted her and sustained her. When her duty shift was over, she headed for the turbolift. There was just one thing left to do. Seconds later, when the lift arrived on deck one, she stepped out and went to the ready room. Samantha closed her eyes briefly, and reached for the door chime.

"Come in," she heard the captain answer.

She entered meekly, and stood respectfully at the captain's desk.

"Samantha, how are you doing?" she asked warmly.

"I'm...doing much better. Thank you, Captain," she replied.

Janeway nodded. "I'm happy to hear it. What can I do for you?"

"Captain, I'd like to make the arrangements for Joe's...Lieutenant Carey's memorial service. We were very close friends, and I feel that I owe it to him," Wildman said.

"Are you sure you feel up to it?" the captain asked.

"Seven years ago when I first met Joe, he helped me tremendously. I missed my husband and my family terribly. After Naomi was born, I went through a very difficult time, but he was there for me. He got me through a lot. We became very close...almost like kindred spirits. We shared a lot about our families. He told me about his wife, and his sons...When he died, I felt like I'd just lost a brother. We made a promise to each other a long time ago, that if one of us didn't make it, the other would take care of things. I'd like to honor my promise to him," she said.

Janeway nodded. "Of course. You may make any arrangements that you feel are appropriate."

"Thank you," Samantha said.

****

That night, Samantha sat in her quarters with a padd. Suddenly the door chime rang.

"Come in," she said.

The doors opened, and Tom Paris entered.

"Tom, please come in," Samantha invited. "Would you like to sit down?"

Paris sat a respectful distance from her on the couch.

"I just want you to know how sorry I am for Joe's death, Sam," he said. "I know that he was a very special friend to you."

Tom barely noticed that his hands were trembling as he spoke. She put her hand on his. Its warmth startled him.

"I don't blame you for his death. I know there was nothing you could have done to save him."

Paris still felt guilty...responsible. He should have been able to do something to save Joe. He didn't know what, but he knew he should have done something. He'd been kicking himself ever since the away team had come back. If only he could have done something. If only.

"If there is ever anything that you or Naomi need. Anything at all, you know that I am always here," he promised.

She nodded and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Tom. That means a lot."

He nodded and left.

****

The days that passed found Samantha poring over every detail of Joe's memorial service. She finally settled on the perfect locale. The lake beneath the mountain in the Dana Meadows area of Yosemite National Park. Joe had taken her and Naomi on numerous picnics here. He'd even taught Naomi how to fish at this lake. It just seemed fitting to have the service here at a place that Joe had loved to be. The locale selected, Samantha began the painful task of writing Joe's eulogy.

Three hours later, Samantha was still sitting there with a virtually empty padd in her hands. This was hard. Much too hard. The words just wouldn't come to her, try as she might to will them to her mind. She looked towards the replicator, a part of her tempted to order up a bottle of liquor. Maybe it would help clear her mind, and make it easier to think. She got up and walked over to the replicator. Her finger hovered over the controls for a moment, but then she stopped. What was she doing? Getting drunk again? That would solve nothing. She would just end up the same miserable person she was five days ago.

"What am I doing?" she asked herself out loud.

Instead, she ordered herself the strongest black coffee she could get, and sat down with the cup in one hand and the padd in the other. She would write this, even if it took her all night! Eight hours and six cups of black coffee later, Joe's eulogy was complete.

****

On the day of Joe Carey's service, the holodeck was crammed full of crewmembers, and those who had remained on duty were glued to monitors throughout the ship that were broadcasting the service shipwide. Ensign Samantha Wildman stood atop of a majestic hill set against the backdrop of a blue sky and a breathtaking snow capped mountain. Birds sang and the river bubbled peacefully nearby. A gentle breeze drifted through the tall conifers surrounding the lake clearing. A photograph of Joe in his uniform, enwreathed by white flowers, was propped on an easel beside a podium. It was all a heavenly sight to see indeed.

Captain Janeway, in her dress uniform, stepped up to the podium.

"Thank you all for coming," she said. "We are gathered here today to honor one of our fallen crewmembers. Lieutenant Joseph Carey was a distinguished member of this crew, a devoted husband, a loving father...and an invaluable friend. He will be missed."

Naomi stood silently beside her mother, Tom Paris and Neelix. Samantha swallowed hard, determined to keep her tears at bay today. She had to be strong for Naomi.

"Ensign," Janeway said.

Samantha hesitated only briefly before stepping up to the podium. All eyes were on her.

"What can I say about my dear friend Joe Carey?" she asked. "Joe was like a brother to me. He was my friend and my confidante."

As she continued his eulogy, she was distinctly aware of his presence in spirit. He was still there with them on this journey home.

"Joe, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you," she concluded.

When she was through, Samantha stepped down and returned to her place. As she passed by, Captain Janeway reached for her, and gently squeezed her arm. Samantha returned a weak but grateful smile.

"Dismissed," Janeway concluded quietly.

The crew present began to mingle about, many talking in hushed tones to each other. It was a somber and dark mood, despite the breathtakingly beautiful locale that Samantha had chosen as the site of Joe's service.

"It was a beautiful service, Sam. Joe couldn't have had a better tribute to his life and service to this ship," Tom said kindly, and embraced her in a warm hug.

She smiled at him. "Joe and I used to bring Naomi for picnics here, and we'd talk for long hours about our homes, and our families. It just seemed...fitting for him to be remembered here in a place that he was so fond of."

****

A week later, the crew still spoke of Joe Carey, and not a day went by that someone didn't mention his name in conversation. Voyager's weekly communication with their friends and families back in the Alpha Quadrant was coming up, and Samantha knew that she would have to face Joe's family with the awful news of his death. The captain had wanted to deliver the news herself, but Samantha insisted that it had to be her. She'd made a promise to him. Samantha had spoken to Joe's wife once or twice before, but she knew that this time would be difficult. She just hoped that her fragile heart was up to the task.

When it was Carey's turn to contact his family, Samantha entered the Astrometrics lab, and activated the console. The face of a beautiful sandy blonde haired woman appeared on the screen. The woman looked a little confused. She thought she would be talking to her husband.

"Samantha? Where's Joe?" Jeanette Carey asked.

The woman's face adopted a concerned look. "Has something happened to him?"

"There...was an accident on an away mission, and he was...killed," Samantha said sadly.

She didn't want to say how he had died.

"How did he die?" Jeanette asked.

Samantha's throat constricted. She didn't even want to utter the words, but she knew that his wife had the right to know.

"He was murdered," she said softly.

Samantha averted her eyes from the viewscreen as Jeanette gasped, and clasped a hand to her mouth. A small whimper escaped the woman's lungs. It was all Samantha could do not to keep from crying herself. She looked sadly at Joe's wife.

"I am terribly sorry for your loss," Samantha said. "Joe was one of my closest friends here. A long time ago we made a promise to each other that if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would deliver the news to our family if it were possible. I never thought I would actually have to do it."

"Can you tell me...did he suffer? Was he in any pain when he..."

"I...wasn't with him when he died," Samantha answered.

But how Samantha wished that she had been.

She talked to Jeanette awhile longer, and then left Astrometrics. As she did, she felt empty and sad again. She wished that Joe were there to cheer her up. She really needed to hear his calm and soothing voice reassuring her right now, but that was not to come. Slowly she walked the corridor to the turblift and boarded it.

"Deck five," she requested.

Moments later, the turbolift opened its doors at deck five, and she stepped out. Walking slowly down the hallway, she stopped at Joe's quarters. Tapping her security code into the console, she waitied for the doors to open. When they did, she stepped into the room slowly. Everything was just as he had left it. His uniforms hung neatly pressed in the closet, and not a thing was out of place. As she passed his desk, she noticed a pair of small gray objects sitting there. Walking over to get a closer look, she found a small model of Voyager that he had been making. She remembered him telling her that he was working on it.

Samantha picked it up, and gently fingered the model ship in her fingers. Joe had been so close to finishing it. All he had left to glue on was one nacelle. She picked up the last remaining piece and the bottle of glue. Dabbing gently, she pressed the final piece in place, and held it there for a few moments to dry. She smiled, and looked out the window at the stars streaking past.

"It's done, Joe."